This is to all my tired people out there in the struggle of life.
A few days ago, I hit a wall – I call it a wall of despair (but I’m probably just being a drama queen).
There were a lot of things on my plate with managing relationships, interceding in relationships, squeezing in time to study for a bummer exam, and balancing the other odds-and-ends I love in life. And I’ve noticed it’s a plague that is hitting people all around me. So I e-mailed my trusted intercessors back home to pray. Then as I prayed and fought to stay in God’s desire, I realized I had set myself in a vacuum environment of ceteris paribus (all things equal – or what I like to think is “if I do everything perfect”). If I do all the proper things, then ceteris paribus (all things equal), the desired result will occur.
I think I had set my heart on the idea that “you never burnout if you are constantly in the presence of God,” but it occurred to me that we don’t live in perfect unity with God on this earth. I can strive for the proper fellowship with God and seek with all my might, but I forgot that the relationship won’t be perfect (although it should be progressing). So now I’ve readjusted that fact with reality of my brokenness. Fellowship with God grants me what I require – all love, all humility, all strength BUT I do not have perfect unity with God (for reasons stemming from my end of the relationship). Therefore, it’s OK that I am hitting the wall. I did not fail my “spiritual duties” by being faced with opposition. I AM HUMAN! I live in this world. We live in this world.
The reasons we each hit our wall of despair is slightly different, but (like my last post) I’ve noticed that the posture I take is more important than the knowledge of “things-to-do.” There may be no set instructions on how to break down that wall, but for me, it took the time to name the sources of anxiety, share it in community (at least one good friend who can pray, empathize, and encourage), accept the posture of weakness, and wrestle in the presence of God (abstract, but the more you do it, the more you understand).
Today, I am feeling very much restored. God’s peace transcends all understanding (Philippians 4) – and sure enough I don’t understand why I should be feeling this peace, but it’s here. So if you’re at that wall, know that there is a sista here praying that it crumbles before your feet.
On a lighter note, I realized that coffee drinks, in amounts greater than a 1/2 cup, have a laxative effect on my system. It was confirmed just before I had an exam today…whooops.